sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Im part way to drunk.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
