im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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