Four minutes until I can fart!
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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