Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Alive.
So much puke
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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