The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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