two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
