Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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