She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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