I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
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I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
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I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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