he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
