Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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