You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
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Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
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Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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