Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize