No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
