I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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