this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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