So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?