Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
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There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
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I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.