So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
