Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
