i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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