Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
