I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
