So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
