I haven't been this sober since birth.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
