i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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