Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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