my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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