last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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