she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
