I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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