i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Your cock deserves a montage
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
