Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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