...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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