I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
