Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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