Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
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