I want to make a zoo with you.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
