I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
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Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
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dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
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