my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
