i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
