i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
