By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
40s are totally the cure
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize