guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
