I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
