and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
