i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
