just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
