I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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