It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
