[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
