He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
