Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
