Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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