Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Randomize
