just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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