Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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