I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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