hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
